Desperate Keenwives
From CGWiki
Desperate Keenwives is a serial story by Teammayhem.
The quiet street of Meadow Lane is rocked by the suicide of Pimpette, the kind neighbor, leaving her five friends in a total state of shock. What they didn't know is that her death would spark a chain of events rather unordinary for this quiet suburban neighborhood.
Characters
NANDA, a budding artist, lives on Meadow, recently divorced from her husband, SteveRules. But a mysterious plumber by the name of StinkyWigFiddle is set to change all that, granted that he would look at her pipes instead of her home's.
SPARROW used to be one of the premiere drow soldiers of her time, known for her pure evil tactics towards his enemies. She now lives on Meadow Lane with her husband, Teammayhem, and their twin girls, still longing for the days when she tortured prisoners. Can evil truly drive a minivan?
COOKIE lives on Meadow lane with her husband, President Bob, after she defected from Drunk Duck. However, what bob doesn't know is that she still spends some sensual time with the gardener, McDuffies. What more can the First Lady ask for?
MERCURY HAT has been living with her husband War confortably, without children� but an accident at work has left War handicapped, leaving her to be the only source of work. What makes matters worse, however, is the near death accident has left War asking Mercury for children. Whatever shall she do?
TABI is one of the biggest names in the science world, but in the way lies her husband, the nobel prize winning legostar. Will she ever surpass her husband in her achivements? Will this rivalry drive them apart?
Secondary characters
K-DAWG lives recently widowed now that pimpette is gone, struggling to make ends meet with his two daughters, RA and Noxmeansxno.
CJ is the cool lady of the block that bakes cookies and is nice to all of the children. She's awesome. I mean, haven't you tasted her cookies? Heeeeaaven.
TOXIC is the gay neighbor, a reclusive writer who spends most of his time tanning on his pooldeck checking out the ass of his poolboy, Many Worlds.
CORGAN is War's friend at work, a kind friend who visits War at his times of crisis. But there's more to himself then that he lets on.
CLAUDE is RA's older boyfriend. Muuch older boyfriend. Her adult boyfriend, thus drawing the ire of K-Dawg
MAGIC KITSUNE is Mercury Hat's younger sister.
Prologue
Pimpette sat in the kitchen of her bungalow home, stirring her husband's coffee idly. Above her, the pounding of feet of her children scurrying around to get ready for school. She smiled and turned to see her younger daughter, RA, bobbing her head up and down to the latest music pumped through her headphones.
"RA, honey?" Pimpette inquired, setting down her stirring spoon.
RA's red eyes looked up at her mother, pulling down her headphones. "Whaaat?" She whined slightly, putting one hand on her hip and sighing heavily.
"Upstairs. Now. I don't think your school dress code allows that outfit." Pimpette waggled her finger at RA's skimpy green top and black miniskirt getup.
"But mmmmuuuuummmmm..." RA huffed.
"Don't mum me. Get your butt back up to your room and change."
RA sighed and trudged away, pushing her father to the side as she reset the position of her headphones firmly on her head.
K-Dawg walked into the kitchen, sighing as he watched his daughter stomp up the stairs. "What's wrong with her?"
Pimpette kissed her darling K-Dawg on the cheek, handing him the coffee. "Oh, just the wrong clothes for school."
"Ey, I think they're just fine."
"K-Dawg..." Pimpette said in a mocking stern voice.
"Fiine, it's inappropriate..." K-Dawg replied in a mock sigh. Their eyes met, and they giggled in their sarcasm.
"Thank you honey. Tonight's the PTA meeting, all right?"
"Yes, I heard you. I love you hun."
Pimpette grinned. "I love you too, my snuggle monkey." She kissed her husband on the lips again, running her fingers through his styled headfur.
Noxmeansxno rolled her eyes as she headed out to her car, tuba case in tow. "Save it after your daughters have left the building, ya creeps." she said.
"RA, your sister's leaving!" Pimpette called out. She watched with her husband quickly left almost immediately with their daughters, leaving pimpette alone with a house full of dirty dishes. -- RA padded down her quiet street as she listened to her trusty CD player. She noticed Cookie, the first lady of this great nation, reading some trendy magazine, humming to herself as she tans on the front lawn.
"Heeyyy Mrs. OOSTERWIJK!" she yelled out, not even bothering to wave over to the relaxed Cookie.
Cookie looked up from her duties and smiled. "Hey RA! Would your mother be home right now?"
RA shrugged. "Yeeaaah, probably."
"Oh, I got to ask her for my CDs back, mind if I tag along?"
RA mentally rolled her eyes, adjusting her backpack. "Um yeah, sure."
Cookie stood up and threw her magazine down and walked onto the sidewalk with her bare feet alongside RA. Her bodyguard, Levi, quietly following behind her like a specter.
"So tell me RA, what would you be doing back home so early?" Cookie inquired.
"Ditchin. Claude's picking me up at CJ's place" RA grinned at Cookie with a devilish grin. "He's the greatest."
"At stealing tampons" Cookie muttered. She never cared for those types of flings RA was interested in.
RA rolled her eyes again, this time physically. "That bodyguard of yours checked up on my boytoy, didn't he?"
Levi spoke up from behind both of them. "He was a security risk that needed investigation."
"You're just jealous." RA said mockingly, with a grin. She walked passed her house, on the way to CJ's place, Cookie and Levi padding up to Pimpette's house. RA stopped as she heard an unearthly scream. It was cookie.
Something had gone wrong. --
K-Dawg pulled up to his street at top speed, braking and swerving to avoid a fire truck in the middle of the street. He hopped out of his car, neglecting to turn off the engine. He ran past the fire truck, finding the people of Meadow Lane gathered on the front of his house. All of them seemed to part for him, each one float past .
Sparrow and Teammayhem standing with their young twins, both of which had matching sunglasses to their drow mother.
Nanda, standing alone sobbing silently, wiped her tears. Her daughter, Elizabeth, was probably at her father Steverules' house.
Cooke and her secret service bodyguard, Levi, sans her husband, President Bob, biting her lower lip, face covered in her salty tears.
Tabi standing with her husband, Legostar, his arm holding her close as her fingers played with the edges of her lab coat rather absentmindedly.
Mercury Hat, pushing the wheelchair of her crippled husband, War.
Toxic, covering his skimpy speedo with his silk robe.
In the middle of it all was CJ, her arms wrapped around RA and noxmeansxno as they sat on the curb, sobbing onto CJ's shoulders.
K-Dawg approached the trio. He could barely get the words out of his dry mouth. In the back of his mind, his subconscious prepared himself for the worst possible scenario, but it faltered badly over the thought of a harmed love one, and there was one still unaccounted for. "Wwhwhat happened?"
RA was the to speak up, wiping her tear streaked eyes on CJ shoulder. "...It's mum... she's dead...shshe killed herself."
A deathly silence covered the street. The only thing that followed was the cry of an animal over the loss of his mate.
Chapter 1: Desperate Keenwives
Hello world.
My name is Pimpette. I died through a self inflicted pistol wound to the head, so says my coroner's report. I'm a wee bit more deceased then that troublesome Brubaker. I'm here to give you some insight into my best friend's lives, my neighbors, after I died. Let's just say that my death started something much deeper. So to start it all off, we'll take a look at my friends individually, shall we?
NANDA Ah yes, we start with my closest friend out of the bunch. A single mother living quite comfortably on Meadow Lane, but comfortable doesn't mean happy in relationship terms. Yeah, she has her daughter, Elizabeth, but she's always longing for that male relationship. A sudden pregnancy during high school resulted in the marriage to her high school sweetheart, Steve rules. Their daughter soon followed, named Elizabeth. Everything was hunky-dory for this happy family. Steve would work at his job as the owner of dry cleaners, and Nanda would take care of Elizabeth while working as an illustrator for a magazine at home. Oh yes, I referred to them as the American dream. Exempt without the 2.5 children.
Now what else can ruin a good marriage then the libido of a man going through his mid life crisis? I kept my husband in check, mind you. Dawg was just raging at times, and I kept it in check, usually with handcuffs I borrowed from Sparrow. Unfortunately, Nanda never knew that Steve would be making home deliveries of dry cleaning to one of our neighbors, Ly. She discovered his infidelity one day she came to work and found them in a reverse cowgirl position (One of my favorites, but sex for me now would involve necrophilia.).
SPARROW Sparrow ducked into the bunker, plugging her ears to block out the whine of the incoming mortar shells. She scampered over to a ramshackle shelter, grabbing her trusty crossbow and loading some bolts into the launcher. Taking a deep breath, Sparrow launched herself over the side of the trench, looking around her surroundings. She was only 200 yards away from the DD post. Gritting her teeth, she fired the crossbow, watching the mallard duck on patrol fall from his post, his neck spraying blood. Sparrow just grinned as she entered the post, taking the enemy official and wringing the neck, satisfied by the sound of the crunch of bone and sinew in her bare hands. She looked down on the pathetic fowl, as it rasped out, "mom.... Mom......
MOM!" Katie screamed from the backseat of the minivan, jolting Sparrow from her daze. "The light's green!" Sparrow readjusted her sunglasses and pressed down on the accelerator of her Chrysler minivan, heading down the street.
Yes, this is the only mother (save for myself and my darling daughters) of our little group with multiple children. Her name, is Sparrow. She's actually a war veteran, decorated for her contribution to battling the scum of the Drunk Duck forces, the soldier who single-handedly took out one of the enemies' artillery posts, thus allowing the safe escape of President Bob, Cookie and War from the drunk duck. This little nugget of evil, however, ended up on my quiet little street once she married a reporter named Teammayhem after she recovered from a near death attack. Years later, she drives that dinky little minivan, with two troublesome twins, Katherine and Mona. I gotta hand it to her; it's an interesting trade off- her crossbow for the cheap plastic of the steering wheel of that damn minivan.
MERCURY HAT
Many people on Meadow Lane were involved in the horrible DuckHunt war. Mercury Hat was a diplomat in that horriible war, responsible for the leadership while President Bob got captured and tortured (more on that later). As Sparrow often muttered, a "paper pusher" or "the diplobitch" (I'm sure she was joking, but then again, it is Sparrow. She could be serious.)
But Mercury Hat had a tragedy unlike no other (Well, I suppose my death was a tragedy, but this section is about the "Diplobitch", not me.) concerning her husband, War, a hero of the DuckHunt war. After the basic battles over and done with, War left the army and took up a job with the police. It was on the job one day that War suffered an accident that left him crippled in both legs and right arm, leaving Mercury Hat in a total state of shock. She was forced to quit her job and take care of War. President Bob was in debt to War, and had a house built for the now crippled hero, and the duo lives on Meadow Lane, Mercury Hat doing some consulting with President Bob and writing books while taking care of the crippled War.
TABI
It seems this street is filled with the superstars of the world. All we need is an angst ridden American wannabe manga-ka (hint hint, nudge nudge) and we have this street complete. Tabi is a research biologist, one of the best, I may add. Personally, she's one of the smartest women I have ever met. I used to send RA and noxmeansxno to her for homework help. But with her calm demeanor comes something of pent up frustration.
You see, she has a source of anger known as her husband, Lego. You know that song, �Everything you can do, I can do better?� Yeah. The rivalry between the two probably started that entire song. They met in college, fell in love, and then were hired by rival medical firms. They now square off of each other all the time in their research, only coming home to eat and get rid of any pent up sexual feelings. What a happy couple.
COOKIE As mentioned before, many of the people in the war somehow settled down on Meadow Lane all together, and Cookie is one of them. She was originally from DrunkDuck and in the upper echelons of their government. It was there that she fell in love with one of her prisoners, President Bob. It was her betrayal and defection from the DrunkDuck sovereignty and her escape thereof with the President that turned the tide of the war.
From this glorious story, Cookie thus fell from her place of instant celebrity. She married Bob soon after the war, and settled down at the giant manor at the end of the street. (The original presidential mansion after President Jamie was evicted and his friend Nick burned the place down in protest. I hear it involved a lighter and Thousand Island dressing) Cookie soon turned from a heroine to a trophy wife.
Chapter 2: Trim the Lawn
Cookie sighed impatiently, splayed out on her couch. Her left hand outstretched with the Tivo remote control in her hand. Yes, imagine Cookie in this position for at least nine hours a day, watching television over... and over... and over again. Kinda pitiful if you think about it. However, there's one part of her day that she looks forward to the most.
"Mrs. Oosterwijk?" Cookie turned off the television and turned her head to see McDuffies, her gardener. His fur was already heavy with sweat, wiping his brow with the matted orange fur on his arm.
Cookie turned off the television and stood up, grinning at the feline outside her window. "Hello McDuffies!" Cookie said in a regal matter. The only time Cookie ever spoke in a "Regal" matter was when she wanted something (And she usually gets her way, trust me on that) and by the looks of it, she was getting that fine piece of orange tabby ass.
"Can you show me where the plant foods for the Azaleas are?" McDuffies asked.
"Oh yes, of course. It's in the back closet. Um, I'll show you. Just swing around back, okay?"
McDuffies finally figured out what she wanted. I've seen that look on plenty of men's faces when I worked on the pimp circuit, that look of getting, that... you know. The blood circulation is completely flowing in the body... including (GASP!) down there!
McDuffies walked around the house at a quick pace, seeing Cookie waiting by the guest house door. He practically leaped at the open door, jumping and running over the pool furniture. The door was barely shut before Cookie wrapped her arms around McDuffies' shoulders, thrusting her tongue into his mouth. She fell onto the bed with the feline, running her fingers through his gorgeous fur. His hands pawed at her back, going lower and lower before finding the twin globes known as her butt, grabbing them and playing with the ass. She moaned into his mouth
McDuffies broke off the kiss. "What about your bodyguard?"
Cookie grinned. "He's out on a shopping errand. Had him go look for sodium free bean dip. God, I've been waiting for yoooou..."
She purred, biting on his earlobe, driving the cat wild with pure lust. They met together in the sinful act of adultery, with Cookie finishing before the cat above her (I could go into more detail, but this piece of work could turn into erotica if I did). They spent the next couple of minutes cuddling. The sound of a limo alerted Cookie's ears, her head snapping towards the noise.
"Oh SHIT." Cookie said. "Bobby's home." Her eyes were bug eyed as she threw McDuffies off of her body, surprising the feline.
"Bobby?"
Cookie smacked McDuffies on the head. "My husband, you dolt. Go get dressed, NOW!" She barked, covering her naked body as she searched for her undergarments, pulling her dress over her head and running out of the guest house.
McDuffies sat on the bed naked, his body tired from the romp only minutes beforehand.
-- Cookie adjusted her hair as she took the steps up to her house, sighing and adjusting her dress to fit the every curve of her body. She walked into the house to see her husband, President Bob Oosterwijk looking around the living room.
"Darling... " Cookie said, looking at her husband with a faked look of admiration and lust (yet another skill she picked up as a trophy wife). She kissed him on the lips, her fingers playing with his oh so expensive toupee. (I've always thought it looked like a rat died on that bald head of his.) "How was your day?"
Bob grinned at the sight of his wife. "Ohh, long day sweet stuff." He grabbed her ass, making Cookie jump sky high. "Mmm, I love to feel your ass without panties"
Cookie blushed furiously, trying to think where her panties where as her husband played with her ass. -- McDuffies sniffed the panties in his hands, eyes fluttering as his fingers rubbed against the lacy fringe around the blue panties. "Ohohohooo yeeeaaaahhh." McDuffies moaned before stuffing the skimpy panties into his utility belt and leaving the now trashed guesthouse. Just another day for this perverted gardener, I guess. -- Levi looked around the chips aisle, muttering obscenities as he couldn't find the bean dip Cookie requested.
Chapter 3: Pipe man
The neighborhood is filled with people, some of which are more prominent than others. I have to admit, some of them I've never gotten around to meeting.
Nanda stood at the curb, kissing her daughter goodbye. Elizabeth had her mother's friendly face and her father's well built feature. They walked down the street, Nanda shuffling in her bathrobe and slippers. It was a common occurrence for the both of them to be walking down the street on school days.
"You ready for school, Elizabeth?" Nanda asked, adjusting the baseball cap on her daughter's head.
"Yes mooom." Elizabeth huffed, swatting her mother's hand away. "You don't have to walk me out here. Noxmeansxno will be out here soon."
"Heyy, I'm your mother. I'm supposed to protect you. How is noxmeansxno holding up, anyways?"
"Well, she's pretty messed up on the whole deal of her mom, ya know."
"I know, I know, hun. I was just� wondering� you know, with Pimpette dying and all��
�The popos ruled it as a suicide, ma.� Elizabeth huffed.
�Popos?�
�Pigs, the cheese, cops, they got plenty of names.�
�OOOoooh, I see.�
Noxmeansxno sped out of her driveway, stopping on a dime next to Elizabeth. �Hop in.�
Elizabeth kissed her mother on the cheek �Bye mom.�
�Bye Elizabeth. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.� Nanda nagged.
�Which isss?� Elizabeth said, getting into the car, closing the door shut. Noxmeansxno speed off, leaving Nanda no time to reply.
Nanda watched as the car went down the street and turned the corner, not exactly noticing the stranger that she suddenly knocked into, sending Nanda straight on her bum �Sonva�� Before she could say anything, her jaw started to run away from the rest of her mouth as she saw a grizzled and handsome man above him
�Sorry bout that.� The man said, helping Nanda up on her feet.
�its um, okay.� Nanda stammered.
�Oh, you're one of the neighbors. I'm StinkyWigFiddle. I just moved into 314��
�Hi, I'm Nanda. I'm across the street at 311�. Nice to meet you�
�Likewise� Stinky said with a warm grin.
Nanda smiled, blushing as Stinky helped her up back on her feet. �Welcome to Meadow Lane.�
�Thanks. I'd love to talk, but there's clogged sinks to be cleaned.�
�Clogged� Sinks?�
Stinky held up a wrench �Plumber by trade, missus.�
Nanda laughed. �Oh sorry� don't let me hold you back now.� She walked across the street to see the neighborhood slutbucket, Soap Committee, watching Stinky with her thin silk robe tied loosely around her body.
Now before I go on further, allow me to explain about Soap. She's single and lives as a loose woman.
And she's a screamer.
A really bad screamer.
One that wakes up the entire neighborhood with her scream after she orgasms during her lovemaking session with her personal trainer. And then complains about the kids on the block playing in the street in the morning after her latest hangover. She's more of a menace, so allow me to say that the following line Nanda uses is saying it nicely.
Soap grinned, watching as the hunk of a plumber as he got into his truck. "Mmm, I'd love for him to check out my pipes"
"Your pipes are too loose and clogged to be fixed, Soap." Nanda replied sarcastically
Soap glared at Nanda, walking back into her house and slamming the door. Nanda grinned at the shut door, walking back into her own house.
-- Sparrow walked through the shopping center, doing the groceries for the week. She idly ate some grapes from the shopping cart as she looked for the girl's favorite sugary cereal.
A crash at the front counter alerted Sparrow. She saw the man behind the service counter with his hands up, a hooded man in front of him. Two accomplices held shotguns at the people around them. �NOBODY MOVE!� one of the men screamed. Sparrow quickly scaled the side of the aisle, jumping on top, avoiding the boxes stacked on top. She jumped down to another aisle silently behind one of the robbers, quickly breaking his neck and taking his gun. Two quick shots from the gun took down the last two men, leaving the store in a total state of shock.
Sparrow simply dropped the gun, walked back to her cart, and pushed it over to the checkout counter, kicking the bleeding gunman to the side and running him over with the cart. �Can I use debit in this line?�
�Keep the groceries.� The shocked pimply teenager said.
Sparrow smiled. �Thank you.� She left a body and two wounded men as she pushed her shopping cart out to her car.
Chapter 4: Cards and Kosher Salt
Nanda started to shuffle the cards for our usual Thursday night card game. Usually, the game would be held at my house. But unfortunately, I've been on a steel table, then stuffed into a box and sent six feet under, so my attendance can be flaky, at best.
Sparrow sat at the opposite side of Nanda, sighing as she thumbed the edge of the margarita in a circle. "Ohh, it feels so good to be away from the terrible twosome..." she sat back in her chair, running her fingers through her straight white hair.
Cookie sat on Nanda's right side, the margarita already completely gone from her glass. Levi stood above her, standing quietly. "Oh, who's with them now?" she asked.
Sparrow leaned forward, taking the cards dealt to her by Nanda. "Team's with them now, thankfully. He took some time off work so I could be here."
Tabi sat with her head on the table. "ohhhh luuuucky. Lego's still at work, slaving his blocky head away." She stared at the translucent drink beside her head, watching the light filter through the drink, giving off a pale greenish light on her face.
"Still? Goddamn. Steve used to come five o' clock sharp everyday." Nanda sighed as she continued handing out the cards.
"Key word there is "used", hon. Be happy you're single and not living with that scumbag and that mistress of his." Cookie sent Levi into the kitchen to make her another margarita.
"What happened to the mistress, Nanda?" Tabi asked.
"Steve lives with the bitch." Nanda muttered. She stared at the extra set of cards meant for me at one end of the table. It was like clockwork for her to hand out the cards like that, but I simply couldn't come.
The women stared at the cards at my spot. Nanda sighed.
Cookie held up her drink (just recently delivered by Levi) to the rest of the women "Pimpette, this is for you, babe" Cookie downed the drink almost instantaneously, licking off some of the salt on the edge of the glass.
"Hell yeah!" Sparrow said in agreement, holding her margarita glass up with Cookie and drinking it down with her. The other women soon followed, drinking the rest of their margaritas in my honor.
Girls, I'm touched.
Cookie smiled devilishly at the rest of the women. "Let's play some poker."
Nanda finished serving all the cards, and all the women pulled out their cards. They stared at the cards.
"I met my new neighbor today." Nanda said, organizing her cards.
"Oh?" Cookie said, throwing down two cards and picking up new ones. "How hot is he?"
Nanda's face flushed. "How did you know?"
"The choice of words, Nanda." Cookie responded in a mock-wise tone.
"He's our neighbor too, not just yours." Sparrow said.
"Tell the truth Nanda." Mercury finally spoke, wagging her finger at Nanda.
"All right, I get it." Nanda sighed. "His name is StinkyWigFiddle"
"Sounds foreign" Cookie quipped.
"Sounds fine to me." Sparrow said.
"Says the woman who dated Drizzt Do'Urden the drow" Merc mused. She laid down her cards. "I fold"
"Okay, I dated him, but he was wayyy too whiny." Sparrow threw some chips into the pile that Nanda. "He sucked in bed, too."
"So has your bodyguard found out anything about our mysterious neighbor?" Nanda asked.
"He is under investigation" Levi said quietly.
"Damn, I fold." Tabi threw down her cards.
Everyone went silent as Sparrow, Nanda and Cookie stared at their cards and each other.
"Call 'em." Nanda said. She threw down her cards. "Three of a kind."
"I'm out" Cookie didn't even bother to show her cards.
"Three queens." Sparrow grinned in victory.
Tabi noticed something. "Hey, what did Pimpette get?", pointing to my pile of cards on the table.
Mercury flipped over my cards. I had three Aces and a seven.
Even when I'm six feet under, I still rawk at this game.
Chapter 5: Longing and Dishes/Late Night Work
Mercury Hat pulled the dishes from the dishwasher, the various plates and utensils still warm from the hot water they were cleaned with. She hummed to herself, putting the dishes away. The radio next to her played the latest news from NPR.
"Merc?" War said. Mercury set down a dish and turned around, watching as her husband rolled into the kitchen on his electric wheelchair.
"Do you need anything, sweety?" Mercury inquired.
War sighed uncomfortably. "We need to talk."
Merc turned off the radio and turned around. "Yeeess?"
War looked around nervously. "Ever since accident, I kept thinking about life. You know, it's really short, and I almost died-"
"Where are you going on this?" Mercury asked impatiently.
"I want my genes to live on. I want a kid" War said
Silence.
"Wait WHAT?" Mercury hat just stared at War with a bitter face.
"I want a kid."
"Oh hells no. " Merc retorted, waggling her finger. "I'm not growing anything in my uterus."
"But Merky-poo-"
"Oh don't Merky-poo me. I'd have to do all the damn work, you know that?"
"But you like that position..." War said meekly.
"THAT DOESN'T MATTER!" Mercury_Hat spat. "I'd have to put up with a drooling, shitting kid for eighteen years. No way AM I, going to put up and feed ANYTHING like that!"
"Mercury, please." War said.
Mercury stomped out of the room, leaving War with a half full dishwasher. -- Tabi typed away at work, rubbing her eyes. All of her co-workers had already gone home, and she was the only one left in the lab.
"Ey, you still in here?" a voice said. Tabi looked up to smile at Warren, the janitor.
"Yep, still here." Tabi said behind her forced smile. "Still have work to do."
Warren looked around the cluttered lab. "Sad to see a smart lady like you workin so late"
Tabi shrugged her shoulders. "Hey, its life" Her cell phone rang. "Excuse me." She said to Warren.
Warren waved to Tabi as he left. "See you ma'am."
Tabi picked up her call. "This is Tabi." She said.
"Tabi, hey," It was Lego, her husband. "Can you get dinner ready for me? I'm about to get home."
"Sorry Lego, I'm still at work." Tabi responded, cradling her cell phone.
"Oh its okay. I'll go out to dinner then."
Tabi knew exactly what that stood for. "Ohhohoho no, hon. You're NOT going to the bar."
Lego groaned loudly. "I've had a long day, Tabi. I'm going." He gave an irritated groan and hung up.
Tabi threw the cell phone against the wall in frustration.
Chapter 6: Old Memories
Sparrow sighed, slumped on the couch. She'd had to take care of the terrible twosome (A nickname given to them by Soap after they blew up her front yard with fertilizer and a lighter. Even I admitted that Soap deserved it. ) all day long after kindergarden today.
"Mmooooom!" Katie screamed. "Mona shot Ms. Committee's cat!"
It took Sparrow a couple of seconds to process the information. "SHOT WHAT?!?" She bellowed, jumping out of her chair. She rushed outside to find her two daughters standing over a dead cat. The two girls are splitting images of their mother, really. However, from their snow white hair a pair of lion ears pop out, and a tail from behind, both from their father. I always found it so cute when their ears twitched at the same time.
Sparrow saw the fallen cat at the feet of the toddlers, a bolt in the cat's head. At Mona's feet was Sparrow's trusty crossbow. "Where did you find this, girls?"
"It was in your closet, on the floor mama." Mona said, her head bowed down in self shame.
Sparrow picked up the crossbow caringly the worn crossbow flashing back memories she had long suppressed before becoming a mother. She held the crossbow close to her body, sighing.
"Mama, what's up?" Katie inquired curiously
"Mama's just reliving her memories... heh..." Sparrow smiled, remembering the duck she stuffed into a cannon and shooting it at its own base.
"You used THAT old thing?" Mona asked quizzically.
"Oh yeah, I did." Sparrow grinned. She picked up a bolt by Mona's feet. "Watch." Sparrow loaded the crossbow, got down on one knee, and fired the crossbow. The girls watched in awe as the bolt pinned a falling leaf against a tree.
The girls stared in awe. Sparrow just grinned. "I'll teach you sometime."
"What about the cat, mommy?" Mona asked.
"We'll bury it later. You never liked Ms. Committee, right?"
"She always smelled like booze." Elizabeth candidly replied. "And she ran over my bicycle once."
"Call it divine retribution, then." Sparrow said, playing with Mona's ears, grinning as her daughter purred and giggled up at her.
--
Stinky sat in his car, watching the entrance to the parking structure. His scarred face stared at the entrance with anticipation. The black Lincoln pulled into the parking lot beside him and rolled down the window and a envelope stuck out from the window. "The documents you ordered."
Stinky took the envelope. "Thanks."
"We expect to get something in return." The voice from the car said.
Stinky threw a fat wad of money into the car's window. He sat in silence, listening to the voice counting the money. "Good." The voice rasped.
"Thanks for the information." Stinky looked at the envelope before rolling up his window, starting up his truck and drove away.
Oh, the envelope? It read "PIMPETTE".
Chapter 7: Night On Meadow Lane
CHAPTER 7: NIGHT ON MEADOW LANE Nightime is when all the families and neighbors retract from their yards. Kids collect their toys from the darkening light, and retreated to their homes. But the day does not end there, thankfully. The home becomes the sancuary for some, others, a haven.
--
Sparrow climbed onto her bed with her husband, Teammayhem. The girls were away at a sleepover, and she finally had some peace and quiet "How was your day, Sparrow?" Team asked, kissing his wife on the lips and wrapping his arm around her.
"It's been a long week" She sighed, rubbing her husband's belly as he purred. "I foiled a supermarket robbery and the girls killed Soap's cat" She said in a simplistic tone, waiting for her husband's reaction.
Team simply laughed. "Why am I not surprised?"
Sparrow looked surprised at her husband. "You're not mad at me?"
"Hun, you saved that supermarket from those three gunmen."
"How do you know there were three of them?" She asked.
"I'm a reporter. I get a call from my editor mentioning a female drow taking out three gunmen, and I immediately thought of you." Teammayhem grinned. "I had to talk to the police for three hours."
Sparrow smiled, kissing her husband on the lips. "Mmm thanks, sweetheart..."Team returned the kiss, purring as she ran her fingers through his chest fur. He just smiled as she pulled out her whip and handcuffs.
--
Cookie smiled while laying on the bed of her guest house. Bob was away at some stuffy party, and Levi was fast asleep (I taught her that trick- sleeping pills in a shake.) She watched as McDuffies sneaked into the house through the open window, stumbling and falling on his back.
"Hey McDuffies" Cookie said, smiling mischievously at McDuffies while he stood up.
"Hi Mrs. Osterwijk" McDuffies replied sheepishly. "Why such a late call, ma'am?�
�Bobby's gone�. Take a look at the closet� She smiled, pointing at the walk in closet. McDuffies peeked inside. "I got that just for you... Why don't you put it on?" She said with a wicked grin.
McDuffies peeked his head into the room and gasped. "What is THAT?" He said.
"Put it on" Cookie repeated, watching McDuffies with lustful eyes.
--
In my household, nighttime was something of a bottling point.
"OH COME ON!" RA yelled.
"No way, no how RA!" K-Dawg barked out to his daughter, following her through the house. "Claude is a scumbag! He's a pervert! He's the scum of the universe!"
"You said scum twice, dad." Noxmeansxno chimed in while Dawg and RA passed through the living room.
"Shut up!" RA yelled at her sister, throwing the tube of lipstick she was applying at her.
"Dammit RA! DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT speak that way to your sister!" K-Dawg had the veins in his forehead popping out. That was one of his bad habits- he yelled all the time and looked like Howard Dean (on a good day) while yelling.
"Seriously, what do you have against Claude, dad?" RA said, collecting her jacket and slipping it on.
"He's scum! I won't let you see him!" Spit spattered over nearby objects. He's always this way, but I always calmed him down with my voice.
The doorbell sounded. RA walked over to the door and opened it. She wrapped her arms around her boyfriend and kissed him on the lips, driving my husband completely bananas.
This boyfriend of hers, Claude... I actually like him. Yes, he's eighteen, my darling RA is only sixteen, but under his bad-ass attitude he's pretty nice, even if he has a gruff attitude and look of a badass with his usual leather jacket, pierced eyebrow and scruffy hair. He called me "Ma'am" plenty of times and really cares for RA, even though it resulted in sloppy make-out sessions (I've walked in on them too many times, so I know about the tongue thing he does). Dawg is the total opposite when it comes to this wild child.
Dawg stepped in between them. "I've seen enough. Claude, leave." He said, pointing away from the house.
"Hey, Mr. D, what's the prob, man?" Claude asked. His pierced eyebrow waggled, laughing at the veins about to pop on Dawg's oversized forehead.
"I do NOT, NOT EVER, want YOU to see RA again!" Dawg screamed. His yelling was cut short by a water balloon hitting Dawg on the temple, exploding in a torrent of shaving cream. Dawg simply stood there, shocked.
Claude's lackey (and self proclaimed teaboy) Faceless popped out of the bushes. "Run, boss!" He called out to Claude in his thick British accent.
Claude took his underling's advice and ran, taking RA by the hand and pulling her.
Dawg wiped away the shaving cream to see Claude start up his motorcycle, revving it and speeding away with his daughter holding on to the delinquent.
--
Nanda watched Claude and RA speed by on his motorcycle, laughing their asses off. She sighed, staring out the window. Elizabeth was upstairs, doing god knows what. She daydreamed about the neighbor, Stinky. Again. She was snapped out of fantasy by reality knocking at the door. Nanda stood up and opened the door. It was her scumbag of a ex-husband, Steverules with his girlfriend (and woman he cheated with), Ly. Personally, I never liked the guy, but he was one of my friend's husband, so I put up with his rum-stained breath with a forced smile. Now, he's more like the plague of the neighborhood, being "The creepy man" (Sparrow's daughter Mona came up with that one)
"Hello Steve." Nanda sighed.
"Hey sweetie." Steve grinned.
Nanda rolled her eyes to the back of her head. "You were supposed to pick up Elizabeth yesterday." She said.
"Well, ya know, Ly wanted to f-"
"I DON'T want to know, thanks." Nanda interrupted, holding her hand in front of Steve's face.
"Hey, I'm here, isn't that what matters?" Steve said, walking into the house.
"Whatever." Nanda said, slamming the door in Ly's face and leaving her outside.
Elizabeth quickly skipped down the stairs with her bag and kissed her father on the cheek. Steve hugged his daughter.
"Bye mum." Elizabeth said.
"Bye hon." Nanda said.
Steve opened the door for Elizabeth to show a rather angry Ly.
"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see you there Ly" Nanda said.
"Still mad you haven't had sex in two years now?" Ly huffed.
"Trust me, you'd be jealous Ly." Nanda said, slamming the door on Steve, Ly and Elizabeth
Nanda waited to hear Steve's sports car drive off. "God-damn, I really do need to get laid." She growled, realizing that Ly was right.
--
Cookie laughed.
She laughed hard.
McDuffies stood in front of her in a pair of black leather boots, thong, cape, and wide brimmed hat. He was embarrassed. "Why am I dressed like Puss-and-Boots?" He asked.
Cookie giggled. "It's one of my childhood memories." She kissed him. "And one of my turn ons."
McDuffies got the message. (Took him long enough). He took Cookie by the hands, dancing with her, dipping her to the ground, she held him close as she kissed ravenously.
Cookie nibbled on his earlobe before she spoke into his ear. "Will you be my protector, my dear puss and boots?" She whispered.
"But of course, mademoiselle." McDuffies responded in a faux Latin accent
She slipped out of his grip, moving down his body and removing the thong with her teeth.
--
Team awoke handcuffed to a pipe in the basement. Butt naked. He squinted his eyes, trying to block out the sunlight from the windows.
"Oh miiiiiiiiisttrrresss, I need to get to work today" He called out. Red welts covered his chest and butt, visible through his fur.
The only sound that answered him was the sound of birds chirping.
"Honey?" Team called out. "You still need to give a report to the police!"
He sighed, the handcuffs holding him tightly against the pipe.
Chapter 8: Nanda vs. Ho
Nanda sighed, her work going nowhere. Her mind was preoccupied, filled with the imagery of Stinky doing some very taboo acts of passion to her (One that involved a cucumber). She snapped out of it to hear her next door neighbor's voice, Soap_Committee.
"Why thank you Stinky." She said in a seductive voice. Nanda put down the pencil in her hand and peeked out the window to spot Stinky standing on Soap's porch with his toolbox. "Let me give you a bonus." She said rather loudly. Nanda fumed to think what Soap had did to the gorgeous Stinky. Nanda scuttled over to the front door and opened it.
"No need" Stinky said. He noticed Nanda on her own porch. "Hello Nanda" He said.
Nanda stammered slightly. "H-H-Hey" She said, waving to Stinky. Soap simply dismissed Nanda with a hand on her hip and her nose turned up high.
Stinky walked out to the street, waving goodbye to Soap. Nanda didn't take a second look over to Soap and ran towards Stinky. Her voice stammered slightly, again. "S-So what did you do?"
"Well, I checked her pipes." Stinky said. Nanda's heart shrunk two sizes. The man of her dreams had slept with Soap, the Ho.
"Was it any good?" Nanda asked disheartedly.
"Well, not really. It was really dirty." Stinky said
Nanda looked up to Stinky, her mouth wide open. "Whaaat?"
"Really, horribly dirty pipes. Lots of roots grew into her sewage pipe too, on her front yard."
It took Nanda a moment to let it sink in. She burst out laughing, coming to realize to her teenage stupidity. She fell on Stinky, holding on to him as she choked, tears forming on her face.
�What is going on?� Stinky asked, holding on to Nanda as she wheezed and laughed hysterically.
�Just� just an old joke, sorry.� Nanda said, wiping the tears away from her face. �Sorry bout that.�
Stinky nodded. �It's okay� I'll see you later then�
�Stinky, have you been invited to Cookie's dinner party next Friday?� Nanda asked
Stinky scratched his head. �Haven't been invited anywhere, sorry�
�I'll tell her to invite ya. My treat.� Nanda said.
Stinky gave his warm smile. �Thanks. What time?�
�8:30� Nanda said, drawing one of her straight black locks away from her face. �I'll be looking for you.�
�Allright.�
Stinky walked away. Nanda turned around to see Soap trying to shrug off the whole incident by getting her mail in her bathrobe, walking towards Vorticus, the mailman, to retrive her mail. Thinking quickly, she picked up the hose that Elizabeth left on the ground and sprayed it quickly at Soap, soaking her in an instant.
Vorticus suddenly had the best work day in his long time as a low paid government employee. Soap stood in front of him in a wet flimsy robe, with no undergarments. His single eye simply stared at the beauty in front of him realize that she's pretty damn perky. �Oh thank heaven� he said, his mouth agape. Soap covered herself and ran from the aroused Vorticus into her own house. Nanda grinned and sat down on her porch.
She sighed, watching Stinky walk into his house; her mind reverted back to her fantasy of eating lemon covered cucumbers with Stinky, feeding the handsome man's chest as they cuddled. If you were thinking otherwise, you, my friend, are a grade A pervert.
Seek medical help, peeeerv.
Chapter 9: Midday Tea
Nanda, Sparrow, Cookie and Merc sat on the porch of Merc's house, drinking coffee. It was the only free time they had at the moment; the terrible twosome (and War) were napping and Elizabeth was away at school. They sat on the porch, shade provided by the large overhang.
Nanda watched the street. "Midday seems unnerving to me." She said, slumping in the chair. "I really do feel a bit more peaceful when there's more people here."
"I'd rather be alone." Merc quipped, drinking her tea.
"What, you want to be a hermit Merc?" Cookie asked.
"Probably." Mercury admitted. "I would get a cabin in the mountains, but the mountains aren't very wheelchair accessible, so its suburban life for me." she added sarcastically.
"I'd get a cabin, if it wasn't for Elizabeth's visitation rights. Steve hates trees."
"Hates trees? Man, he is a loser." Sparrow said.
Nanda quickly remembered about Stinky. "Cookie, can our new neighbor be invited to the party as my guest?"
Cookie nodded. "Anything to help a budding relationship."
Nanda waved to Vorticus, the always gracious mailman. He was part of the alien rights movement ten years ago, when the government finally gave the rights to the alien people. Vorticus now worked contently as a civil worker for 10 years.
"Hello Nanda!" Vorticus shouted cheerfully. He had a spring in his step after the titty viewing with Soap.
"So how's it going with-" Cookie's line was cut by the sound of gas exiting the chamber of a gun. Vort dropped to the ground almost the same time as the wives.
"What was THAT?" Nanda said.
"Paintball gun" Sparrow responded, recognizing the sound. Her ears twiched carefully.
"Oh, not this again" Merc moaned. "War bought a paintball gun... again." Her fingers gripped the wooden floor in increasing rage.
All the wives watched as a volley of paintballs splattered around Vorticus. "Heeeeelp meeee!" he yelled, breaking into hysterical sobbing.
'Merc, Nanda, get up to War's room and get that gun AWAY from HIM!" Sparrow ordered. "Cookie, get Vorticus!"
"Kiss my ass, I already did my Tae-Bo." Cookie replied. Sparrow had no time to respond. She got up, running over to the edge of the porch, jumping and climbing the edge of the side wall.
Merc ran up to the room, attempting to open it and jiggling the locked handle. "WAR! OPEN THE DOOR!" She yelled, slamming her open palm against the door angrily.
Nanda ran out from under the porch and grabbed Vorticus' hands, dragging him behind a tree while shots hit her all over her body. She peeked her head out just in time to see Sparrow swing into War's window from above, toppling him over in his wheelchair.
Sparrow stood over War, kicking the gun away from him. "And I though the girls were harder to take care of." She muttered. Sparrow opened the door to welcome in a very angry Mercury_Hat.
Mercury walked over to War ad pulled him up by the collar. "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE PAINTBALL GUN?" She snarled feroicously. "YOU ARE IN A WORLD OF PAIN!". Merc held onto War's collar, standing up and dragging him out of the room, down the stairs and out onto the backyard.
"Merky-poo..." War called out, reaching out with his good arm as his precious Merky-poo. She closed the back door, leaving the crippled War alone in the backyard, without a wheelchair.
-- "Oh why do I have to put up with demented neighbors?" Nanda complained, rubbing her thumb at the wet paintball splotches all over Vorticus. She watched Vorticus moan in pain, and sighed.
"You're crazy too." Vorticus moaned.
"Yeah, I know."
Chapter 10: Note Hints
RA grumbled loudly, carrying out the trash for her father. Her late night party resulted in sleeping on the lawn, because Dawg had bolted all the doors and windows completely shut. Her back was still killing her, and heavy bags under her eyes from when Dawg had turned on the sprinklers early in the morning and left her completely soaked.
She dragged the first trashcan into place. I had purposely bought trash cans without wheels, in order to punish the girls when they acted up. Try to get on my bad side, drag out the heavy trashcan. It was a simple form of punishment to have an eight year old drag something many more times their size.
RA pulled out the trashcan to the curb, her grey fingers clinging onto the metal handle. "Motherfucker" She grumbled, pulling it with an impatient tug. The trash was toppled over onto the street. RA stared at it with an open mouth. "Oh COME ON!" She yelled, kicking the trash can with rage.
Almost on command a small crumpled pink paper flew out from the bagged trash. It landed on RA's feet, fluttering only slightly in the cool fall breeze. RA picked up the crumpled paper and smoothed it out on her thigh, noticing the words "To Pimpette" on one side. She read some words on the paper, and then ran down the street top speed.
RA knocked on CJ's door, her neighborhood confidant. It was common for RA to go to CJ for help- hell, she was the neighborhood shrink and confidant.
CJ opened the door with a warm smile. "Hello RA, dear." She said. "Come in."
RA held out the pink note in her hand. CJ took the note and opened it, reading it out loud.
"I know what you are. I know what you did. You have betrayed us all, SCUM." CJ spoke in a serious tone, studying the note in silence.
"I found it in the trash." RA said, breaking the silence.
CJ looked up at RA. "Let me hold on to this, allright?"
RA nodded. "Thank you CJ."
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