Desperate Keenwives: Season 2
From CGWiki
The second season of the highly successful Desperate Keenwives, from author Teammayhem
Chapter 1: Watching From the Clouds
Hello once again, world. My name, as most of you already know, is Pimpette. I'm dead as a doornail. Gone the Jimmy Hoffa way. Drinking with Kurt Colbain. Creating some mad raps with Shakespeare (He is very fond of gansta rap now. He's doing an after death collaboration with Tupac). You get the idea. I'm your narrator for the second season of Desperate Keenwives. For those who have yet to read the first season, allow me to give you a recap of what has happened so far.
NANDA was my best friend out of the group. She was a single mother who lived with her daughter, Elizabeth. She was now in a relationship with one of the neighbors, Stinkywigfiddle. She was the first in our group to find out that my darling husband, Dawg, was the one to kill me so he could return to Drunk Duck. She's living on Meadow Lane with Stinky happily, but who knows what will come her way this time around.
SPARROW was the wild card of our group, a drow with a lion for a husband. She now works as the leader of a special forces unit in the second Drunk Duck war (the press calls it, Operation Roast Duck.).
TABI ratted out her husband, Legostar, for stealing secrets from the company she was working for, Sortelli Corp, for his own company, Tynan United Services. In the midst of it all, she had an affair with the man who investigated her husband, Netpoet.
MERCURY HAT works as the new aide to President Bob, assisting him as she leaves her crippled husband, War, back home. War coincidentally gave her the gift of switching her birth control medicine with fertility drugs, his need for having a child growing stronger and stronger. How will Merc face this struggle with both a demanding husband and a high profile job at the same time?
COOKIE, the First Lady, had an affair with the gardener, McDuffies, and was soon caught thereafter. She now lives coped up in her house as she has no bodyguard to escort her around. How will she face her husband if she has no one to help her?
And oh, how could I forget the big shocker of the last season: One of the women was pregnant. I guess you'll see who it is soon enough. I'm not placing down any bets, considering that its dead even. Let's see how this plays out, shall we?
And oh yes, there will be drama.
and raunchiness.
plenty of it.
Chapter 2: Explosive
Two ducks walked together, watching the forest, speaking Duck to one another. They stood in front of a small air support base, holding onto their MP5K sub machine guns as they patrolled the front gates of the base.
"You hear about the ComicGenesis folks? Crazy mother fuckers." The first duck said.
"I heard they eat duck, fried." the other duck responded.
The first duck shook his head, shuddering. "That's some crazy shit, man. I mean, look at the shit they have to go through. Their mothers beat them as children, so they would become bloodthirsty soldiers."
"It's a policy? I hear they're perverts, loving porn and all that shit."
"Yeah, I've heard that one too."
Some branches cracked. Both of the ducks stopped in their tracks.
"What was that?"
"What are you, chicken?" The second duck said.
The first duck slapped the second duck with his wing. "You dirty duck! You scared me!"
--
"Two sentries spotted. They're quacking to each other. Arguing, by the looks of it."
"Duh, Laemkral. Are they officers?"
"No ma'am."
"Take them out." Sparrow said over the radio.
"Copy that. Splashing target number one." In the bushes, a sniper rifle took aim. --
The first duck's head exploded as Laemkral's bullet fragmented the skull with deadly accuracy.
The second duck stood in shock and his fellow soldier's blood as Sparrow rushed towards him with a katana, slashing his head off. She was in full paramilitary gear, dressed completely in black. She slid behind a small concrete wall to avoid the initial gunfire. Her hand moved to her headset and pushed it further into her ear. "NUTCRACKER! Hit it!"
Nutcracker appeared from the bushes, carrying her rocket launcher. With a pull of the trigger, she launched a rocket into the sentry tower, exploding it in a flash of metal and glass.
Sparrow ran into the base under the cover fire of Laemkral. Another one of her soldiers, JTigerclaw, kept the ducks that popped up with bursts from his heavy machine gun. "Phactorri! Jam the communications already!" she yelled into the headset. Sparrow put her katana back into its sheath on her back and gripped her AK-74u, slamming her body against the wall of the front doors of the base for cover.
"Already taken care of!" Phactorri's voice said over the radio.
Sparrow watched as her pointwoman, Senshi, caught up to her and reloaded her own AK-74u.
"Ready?" Sparrow yelled to Senshi.
Senshi gave a nod to Sparrow, holding a grenade by its pin in her mouth.
"GO!" Sparrow watched as Senshi threw in the grenade, waiting for it to explode, shooting out a mallard duck covered in flames out of the front doors.
Sparrow ran into the base as another rocket from Nutcracker's launcher slammed into the anti aircraft guns standing in the base.
"We're in! Keep peppering the base!" Sparrow yelled into her headset. Behind her, Senshi threw a grenade behind them in an explosion of shrapnel and feathers.
Sparrow ran into the main operations room. She threw down the extra bag she had attached to her hip next to a bay of computers, opening it and priming the charges. She punched the side of a couple of computers and ripped out the hard drives, stashing them away with another bag on her hip.
"Charges have been set! Jops, do your thing!" Sparrow yelled, shooting out of a window and climbing up to the roof to meet Jops and CorpAmis flying their Blackhawk over the roof of the hospital. Her team was already on board, providing Sparrow with cover fire as she dived onto the helicopter. Senshi followed suit, sliding onto the helicopter.
"Get us out of here!" She yelled at the pilots.
"With pleasure" CorpAmis responded, lifting the helicopter away from the gunfire and into the setting sun.
Sparrow's team watched as the base blew up in the brilliance of C4.
Man, I've said it once, and I'll say it again. Sparrow rawks.
Chapter 3: Protection
Cookie sat on her usual spot splayed out on the couch. She was watching the latest episode of "The JoelFagin Show" (it mostly turns into the guests making puns with the host, but hey, its at least more popular than "The Fanabulous Zwuh"). She looked outside in disgust to see a new gardener cutting the hedges. Cookie couldn't remember what the new gardener's name was. Cat36, was it? She couldn't remember.
"Watching trashy television as usual, i see." Toxic said from the entrance of the living room.
Cookie grunted. "Wow, now only the gays talk to me. I should be going to more gay bars to see if any queers would give me advice to get everyone else talk to me."
"Hardy-har-har. I'm bisexual, thank you very much."
Cookie turned off the TV and stood up. "So what do I owe the honor to having a bisexual man in a robe and thong in my living room for?"
"Well, just informing you on Levi's condition."
"How is he?"
"Stable. He suffered gunshot wounds in the chest and right leg, but he's going to pull through."
Cookie smiled. "I'm happy to hear he's going to pull through."
"This means you have a new body guard, though." Toxic leaned his head into the hallway. "Sincerely, get in here!"
Cookie raised an eyebrow as a woman with strange looking ears (they looked like bunny ears, in a pair of two, the shorter of the two sticking out from her head in a 90 degree angle.) and suit walked into the living room. "This is my new bodyguard?" Cookie said with doubt resonating in her voice.
Toxic nodded. "This is sincerely. She'll be your new bodyguard. We already have her moved into your guest house in the back with her husband, who is guarding the President."
"Uh huh. Thanks, toxic."
Toxic walked off. "Better get used to each other, or I'll get Brockaway as your bodyguard."
Cookie shuddered at the thought. Anyone who is related to the government knew about Brockaway's bunny fetish and the incident at the zoo. The baby pandas killed itself shortly after that.
Toxic closed the front door, leaving Sincerely and Cookie alone in the room alone. A moment of silence went by. The gardener, Cat 42, cursed as he cut himself yet again with the trimmer.
Cookie's eyebrow raised up in doubt. "Do you even talk?"
"Do you wear a lower cut dress than that?" Sincerely replied, putting one hand on her hip.
"Oh thank god, I thought I had to go through the silent bodyguard shit again."
"Naah. that's how I got reassigned. I kept talking and talking and talking..." Sincerely's voice trailed off.
Cookie already liked this girl. "Care to tell me more about yourself?"
"Graduated from CG U with a major in history. Married my hubby Derenge shortly after we got accepted to the CG Secret Service."
"Oooh I got a married bodyguard. Care for a margarita?"
"From what I heard from Levi, you can't even make a decent margarita."
"Fine, make me one."
"Oh hell no. I'm a bodyguard, not a barmaid. I can teach you."
"Oooooh" Cookie said. She followed Sincerely into the kitchen.
Chapter 4: When Stinky met Steve
Nanda hummed happily as she cooked breakfast for both Stinky and herself, stirring away at the omelette she made. Stinky was still upstairs, tired from the night before.
Nanda's doorbell rung three times in a row, rather impatiently. She took the omelette off of the heat, wiping her hands and walking to the front door and opening it.
Steve was standing there, and Elizabeth beside him. Nanda remembered that Elizabeth was returning home today. Ly was behind them, being quiet for the first time in the time Nanda has known her.
"Hello Steve, Elizabeth." Nanda said cheerfully.
"What's crawled up your ass and planted flowers?" Steve said impaciently.
"The usual." Nanda said, walking back to the kitchen. Elizabeth set down her bags at the foot of the stairs and followed her mother.
Nanda pulled Elizabeth over and smiled. "I got stinky!"
Elizabeth smiled. "Really?" She smiled as her mother went nuts, hugging her. "Good job mom! Is he what you expected?"
"That and more!" Nanda said ecstatically.
"What are you two so worked up on?" Steve said.
"Nothing that concerns you, Steve." Nanda said, giving a quick glare in Steve's direction.
"Oh please. There's something going on with you, and I want to know what it is."
"I believe I'm the reason." Stinky said from the doorway. He was wearing underwear and a pair of pants, leaving his upper chest to the elements for everyone to see. (it was the type of a sculpted chest with a slight case of enjoyable mantits)
Steve dropped his jaw to the round as Stinky walked up to Nanda and kissed her. "Mornin, Nanda." Stinky said rather gruffly. He looked over to Elizabeth smiling like fool and Steve glaring at him. "Oh, hi there."
"Hello, who the hell are you?" Steve said.
"I'm Stinkywigfiddle. I'm with Nanda." Stinky said casually. Steve was catching the case of the evil eye.
"Hot damn, Nanda. Hook, Line, and Sinker." Ly said, licking her lips.
Steve growled at Stinky like a dog as Stinky poured himself some coffee.
"So what, sleeping with random men now, Nanda?" Steve said bitterly.
"What's that Steve? You jealous? He's just my boyfriend, that's all."
"Why ARE you jealous for, Steve?" Ly said rather angrily.
Steve took Ly's hand. " Nothing, baby. Let's get out of here, Ly."
Nanda escorted Steve and Ly to the front door. "Take care, you two."
Steve said nothing as Ly clung to his arm.
"Oh and Ly?" Nanda called out.
Ly turned her head. "Yeah?"
"I'm getting some, and its much better than Steve!" Nanda yelled. She slammed the door and danced in the foyer happily.
"What was that about?" Stinky asked, ever so ignorant behind what people actually say.
"Oh nooothing." Nanda said with a toothy grin on her face.
Stinky gave a warm smile and kissed Nanda again.
Chapter 5: The Call Home
Sparrow sat back on her chair in the communications tent as she talked on the phone.
"Mona, Katherine, have you been obeying your father?"
"He can't make macaroni and cheese, mommy. He keeps burning it and making the kitchen smelling icky." Mona said candidly. Between the two girls, Mona was the open one.
"Then you better teach him how, okay girls? Put your father on the phone, will you?"
"Yes mommy. I love you."
"I love you more!" Katherine said in the background.
Sparrow laughed as she heard the girls pass the phone to Team. "Hi honey." Team said.
"What's this about you being a retard in the kitchen?"
"Hey, I can make macaroni and cheese. It's those stupid new "low-fat" versions that mess me up and make me burn the recipe."
"How are the girls?"
Teammayhem sighed. "Mona got into a fight at school, and had her suspended."
"Suspended? What the hell did she do?" Sparrow said, sitting up straight in her chair
"Picked a fight with a kid named Travis. Almost broke his nose when he made a snotty comment at her."
Sparrow rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Did you punish her?"
"Nah, she told me the story. That kid deserved it."
"Team, honey, you have to punish her, regardless if the kid deserved it."
"Sparrow-"
"No means no. She needs to learn a lesson somehow. I need to go okay hun?"
Team gave one big sigh. "Talk to you later, hun."
"I love you."
"I love you too, Team. Bye."
She hung up the phone and sighed.
"You're married? I couldn't imagine you taking care of children." Nutcrackers said from the entrance of the tent.
Sparrow stood up, scratching her head. "Been married to Teammayhem for 10 years now. We have twins together."
"Oooh. kids. What fun." Nutcracker said.
"So what's up?" Sparrow walked out of the tent, and Nutcracker followed her.
"We've been called into the main HQ for a mission. The president himself has been called in for the briefing." Nutcracker said, climbing into the HUMMV she had parked outside the tent.
"Shit, that huge?" Sparrow said, climbing into the passenger side of the vehicle.
"Yeah, they must have heard about our last couple of Sapper missions behind the lines."
Sparrow smiled as Nutcracker drove the car. "How well does this car handle?"
"Like a dream. You should see the civilian version, the Hummer. DVD players and everything stuffed inside the car."
"Oooh."
Chapter 6: Politics
"We have three hours before we arrive at the base, Mr. President." Secretary of State Mercury_Hat said. One of the kicks to being the new Secretary of State was the opportunity to fly with the president in his jet. (as it turned out, Bob never nominated another Secretary of State, so when President Jamie left, his Secretary of State, Nick, still got the paycheck. Nobody noticed it until Merc looked at the payroll.)
Bob sat on a couch, rubbing his eyes. "Was this trip really important?"
"It's to raise the troop morale, Bob." Merc said, sitting down on a seat.
Close by was the Vice President, Cortland. "After all, there's a ten point increase in our approval rate from the ComicGenesis population." he said from his place on another chair on the other side of the fuselage.
"Speaking honestly here, we should be worrying about how we should win this war before we worry about our image." Mercury_Hat said. She opened her briefcase beside her and started to look at the papers that she had shoved into it in an disorganized manner.
"Speaking of image, how's the condition on keeping my wife's infidelity a secret?"
Cortland reached forward and grabbed a document from a stack and looked over it. "It's been kept a secret, for now. No problems have been found so far with the press, as they've focused more on the war than your fiasco."
Bob sighed a sigh of relief. "And here I thought that we were going to be barbecued fried by the press for what cookie did."
"Are you going to talk to her anymore?" Mercury asked.
"Hell and no." Bob said. He dug into the side pocket of his chair and pulled out his latest copy of the CG Daily. "Ooh, did you hear about the new news reporter?"
"I thought you wouldn't watch the news again after that slam piece Mooman did on you, Bob." Merc said.
"Meh, this one is that junior reporter. She got promoted to Mooman's old spot." Bob said. Contrary to what most people believed, Bob can get some and he can read above a fourth grade level.
"What's her name?" Cortland asked.
"RobinPierce. She's hawt."
"So says the married man." MercuryHat said.
"Don't blame me for looking. Hell, most men would agree in my condition."
"I agree." Cortland said, shrugging his shoulders.
"Put a cork in it, pineapple head." Merc said with an edge in her voice. "Speaking here as your Secretary of State and friend, you're going to have to forgive her sometime. Hell, you're going to have to be seen with her in public, to say in the least."
Bob slumped into his chair. "Are we there yet?"
"No."
"Are we there yet?"
"Ask me one more time and you're going to be there, dropping to the ground without a parachute." Merc said.
"aww. Don't be a playa hater."
"I have every right to, considering you're not a playa." Merc said. Cortland snorted in laughter at her joke.
Chapter 7: The New Neighbors
It was time for Nanda and Cookie's usual walk around the neighborhood. For the past four months, the duo had to settle to relax at Cookie's house, after she had no bodyguard to protect her in this time of war. Today, Sincerely protected Cookie, joining into the conversation.
"So let me get this straight- this street is occupied by a soldier, a plumber, a world renown scientist, and a bisexual minister of intelligence?" Sincerely asked
"You get used to it after a while." Nanda replied, shrugging her shoulders. "You can't forget the President and the DrunkDuck traitor, either."
"Are you kidding me? There's still burn marks on the sidewalk from the bomb." Sincerely said. "How can you get used to that?"
"It's the general insanity of this place, kids play with the carcass of Dawg's car, and hey, it serves a purpose." Nanda said, pointing to Teammamayhem watching Mona and Katherine dancing on the roof of the car, still in Dawg's driveway. "Might be a good idea to get it towed away, soon."
"And did you hear? the new neighbors are moving in!" Cookie said.
"I read the briefing. Two women moving in, partners." Sincerely said. "Right at the end of the block."
"Let's visit them, shall we?" Cookie said.
"Without warning?" Sincerely said with a raised eyebrow.
Cookie didn't respond as she walked ahead of Sincerely and Nanda.
"You get used to her impromptu manner." Nanda said.
"The hard part is that I have to protect her, impromptu manner and everything." Sincerly said. Sincerely and Nanda followed Cookie as she walked up to the front doors of the house and rang the doorbell.
Two women opened the door. "May we help you?" the couple said together cheerfully.
"Hi there. I'm Cookie. Welcome to the neighborhood. This is my bodyguard, Sincerely, and another neighbor, Nanda."
"Well, hello there." the first woman said. "I'm Maria, and-"
"- I'm Michelle!" the second woman said cheerfully.
"It's so nice to see new faces in the neighborhood." Cookie said with her sweet smile. She uses that often, and with my conversations with her when I was alive, she considered patening the look as "the kissass look."
Maria bowed, giving the kissass look right back at Cookie. "It seems like such a good neighborhood. Rather normal."
"Exempt for the soldiers patrolling every couple of minutes and the remanents of that bomb." Michelle said
"Oh, sorry about that. We haven't had that cleaned yet." Nanda said. "Blame Bob. Most of us do that already."
"Oh, don't worry about that. Michelle is just critical." Maria chimed in. "We bought the house before the attack, but we love the house so much that we had to movie in, reguardless of what happened.."
"And you seem pleasent enough." Nanda said cheerfully.
"Be sure to call us if you need anything." Sincerely said.
"Sure thing." Michelle said. She escorted Maria into the house.
"Theey seem to be a nice couple." Sincerely said as the three women walked down the walkway to the sidewalk.
"At least they're normal." Cookie said.
Inside, Michelle smacked Maria on the arm. "Jeez, why did you have to talk to them so much?"
"Unlike you, I want to have some semblance of having neighbors we can talk to." Maria said, rubbing her arm.
"Oh no you don't. We need to keep a low profile." Michelle hissed. "Keep away from the neighbors!"
Maria glared at Michelle. "Fine."
Chapter 8: The Briefing
Sparrow walked into the building of the CG headquarters, with Nutcracker on her tail. The rest of her team was waiting in the lobby, harassing a MP.
"C'mon boys and girls, we've got a briefing to go to." Sparrow yelled at her team. The group left the obviously shaken MP and walked behind their leader.
"How's the kids?" CorpAmis whispered to Sparrow. Aside from Nutcracker, not many people in her unit knew Sparrow had children.
"Starting fights at school" Sparrow sighed as she opened up the doors to the briefing room. President Bob was there, as well as the Vice President, Cortland. Merc stood by the side, quietly reading documents. The Secretary of War, Orion, was picking his nose for some odd reason, sitting in a chair next to a wall of arial photographs.
"The Night Stalkers, I presume." Cortland said.
"Hello Sparrow." Bob said with a grin. "Sit down everyone; we have a special task for all of you."
"Obviously, if you called us in here all the way from our dinky little base." Jtigerclaw quipped. Sparrow smacked him on his furry head as the team sat down.
"In order to finish this war quickly and effectively, we'd like to task you all with a special mission." Cortland said. He motioned to Orion, who was wiping his booger covered finger on his military jacket.
"The mission is to go deep behind enemy lines and take out the heads of state of the DrunkDuck Nation." Orion pointed to a picture that was posted behind him. "200 miles behind the main lines is the main palace of the Drunk Duck Nation, where it is believed that Hpkcomic is living, and holding Legostar captive."
"So this is a quick way to chop the DD war short, right?" Sparrow asked.
"In strategic and military terms, yes. War was the one to recommend you and your team for this mission." Merc spoke up from her corner.
"Entry will be via a HALO jump." Orion said, referring to the High Altitude, Low Opening parachuting method.
"We understand that you have two pilots that can fly practically anything." Bob said.
Sparrow pointed to Jops and CorpAmis. "The best CG has to offer."
"Your objectives will be the assassination of Hpkcomic and BlackKitty, as well as any DD high military you may encounter. Legostar's rescue is also of great importance- and destroy anything he created." Orion stated.
"Simple enough." Phactorri replied. "What is our backup?"
"Jops and CorpAmis' C-130 will be retrofitted with gunner support. We'll give you all the air backup as possible."
"Sounds good to me. Any objections team?" Sparrow said.
There were none.
"We're going to have an expert on the geography in the area tag along with your team." Orion added.
"An expert?" Jops said.
"Pyro, can you get in here?" Cortland called out.
Sparrow's dark face blanched. "Pyro?" She said, standing up. Sparrow turned to face her ex-fianc�e, AlmightyPyro, smugly looking back at her.
"Hey there babe." He said. "Its been a while."
Chapter 9: The In-Law
Tabi worked in the kitchen alone, making herself a steak for dinner. The steak was already in the oven, and all she could do was watch the object slowly cook.
Tabi's doorbell rang all of a sudden, making her jump. "Who'd want to talk to me?" She said, standing up and walking over to the front door and opening it.
A strange woman with frizzy hair stood outside. She had luggage with her, and plenty of it. She was plaisly clothed, but on top of her head, a little squirrel stared Tabi down with its beady little eyes.
"Uh... can I help you?" Tabi stammered.
"You must be Legito's wife." The woman replied.
"Legito?" Tabi asked. "Uh sorry, nobody lives here under that name."
Tabi began to close the door, but the woman blocked it. "Sorry bout that, I called him by his childhood name. You're Tabi, right?"
"Yeah... who are you and why do you know my name?" Tabi asked.
The woman walked into the house, looking around. "I'm Lego's sister, MixedMyth."
"Wait, you were the one that didn't come to the wedding!" Tabi said with surprise.
"Yeah, I was stuck out in DrunkDuck doing civilian humanitarian relief. I got kicked out of the country once the war started, so I decided to come and visit my bro." Mixed Myth walked into the house, as the squirrel continued to stare down Tabi.
"Uh... I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Lego was captured by Drunk Duck." Tabi said. That squirrel was making her uneasy.
"Lego was captured?" MixedMyth said with a drop in her voice. The squirrel's eyes started to water.
"I'm sorry I had to be the bearer of bad news, MixedMyth." Tabi said, rushing over to her newly discovered sister-in-law. MixedMyth started to bawl violently, warranting tears from both her eyes and the squirrel's eyes, squeaking out small cries of woe.
"Poooooor Legito!" MixedMyth bawled, holding onto Tabi. The squirrel jumped from MixedMyth's head to clutch onto Tabi's in its time of woe, its own tears dampening Tabi's hair. "He didn't have to DIE!" she screamed into the air.
"No no no he's not dead!"
MM wiped away her tears. "He's... not?"
"No no no! He's been captured. The military told me that they've found proof that he's still alive."
"Oh thank god." Mixed Myth said. "I came here hoping to find someplace to stay."
"You're still my sister-in-law. You're welcome to stay." Tabi said.
MM hugged Tabi. "Oh thankyouthankyouthankyou."
"Uh, no problem." Tabi said, feeling rather uncomfortable as the squirrel hugged her head.
Chapter 10: The Drop
Sparrow's told me about her airdrops. It feels like you are an angel returning to the earth, everything so insignificant and small, rushing back to you. Nothing but the air rushing past you. You have to trust that thing strapped on your back tightly, or you're screwed. Go splat. Watch your death come in the form of gravity and stone pushing against your body. But if you use that feeling of dread against itself, it becomes a rush of pleasure that sweeps through your body.
Sparrow was feeling that exact same feeling once again as she dropped through the air into DrunkDuck territory. The vast expanse of trees covered the mountain range. Just over that range was the target, the palace. Sparrow breathed lightly into her mask, watching her altimeter with great care as she dropped to the ground.
--
Earlier, Pyro had some time to talk to Sparrow as she was preparing her weapons, cleaning the swords and guns she had. "What's up, babe?" Pyro said to Sparrow.
"You have no right to call me that, AP." Sparrow said, not looking up from her AK-74u she had disassembled in front of her. Her hands were gloved, holding each part with care as she cleaned them.
"Okay, okay, it's been a while, I know. Just please, listen to me, okay?"
Sparrow stopped, looking up at AP with cold eyes. "Yes?"
"Look, I'm sorry I left you all that time ago. I'm truly, truly sorry that I had to do that to you. I'd like to start over fresh with you. I've gotten a new life as a small business owner, and I really need you back in my life."
"Uh-huh. Fresh. That's a good one, Pyro. Do tell another joke, please."
"Don't give me sarcasm, hon."
"Only one person has the right to call me that, and you're not that person."
"Are you... married?"
Sparrow stopped cleaning the AK and pulled off her gloves, pointing to the ring on her finger. "His name is Teammayhem. He was there for me when I was in the hospital, taking care of me after I got in that whole life and death struggle. He's everything you're not, Pyro. We have two girls together, named Mona and Katherine, twin girls that I have been taking care of until this war started." Sparrow said. "Honestly, I've been repressing the urges to pick up my katana and use it to make you feel the injuries I sustained after you left me. Hell, maybe I should make you feel the pain of childbirth, to make it complete, you slow bastard."
Pyro sighed. "You? A housewife?"
"Something wrong with that?"
"It's so unlike you. I can provide you with fun. I know it sounds clich�d, but like the good old days." Pyro leaned against a wall, looking at his ex-fianc�e with admiration
"I'm training my daughters. Maybe they can chop your balls off for me." Sparrow said, rolling her eyes.
Pyro walked off. "Your loss".
--
Sparrow shook her head as she pulled the ripcord, going through the canopy of the forest, holding onto the small parachute and landing at the foot of a tree. She got up, dusting herself off. She watched as her soldiers landed on the ground around her, dusting themselves off.
"Are we all here?"
"Oh yes ma'am. Ready to go." JTigerclaw said. He had his M-249 SAW slung over his shoulder.
Sparrow motioned to Phactorri, who set up the communications equipment. She picked up the microphone from the radio and spoke into it.
"This is Night Stalkers. We have arrived." Sparrow said
"Congradulations. You are now deep behind enemy lines." Came the reply.
"Thank you, HQ." Sparrow said.
Chapter 11: Stay at Home Nurse
"War, I'm home." Mercury Hat called out as she walked into her house. There were bags underneath her eyes from her trip with Bob. She dragged her feet and fell down on a couch.
"War?"
There was no answer. Merc heard someone humming in the kitchen. Merc got up casually, smelling food being cooked in the kitchen.
She knew War couldn't cook. Hell, he couldn't load the dishwasher. Merc pulled out a small pistol from her briefcase (Toxic gave it to her as a joke, telling her that the Senators were a bunch of sex-craved perverts. This however, is yet to be proven.). Her heart was pounding as she pointed the gun foward, cursing in her mind the need for Sparrow right when she was in enemy territory.
Merc pointed the gun fowards as she saw a woman stirring soup and ladling it into bowls. "Who are you?" Merc asked corsely.
The woman had aburn hair, with roundish glasses to match her kindly eyes. "Hello Mercury. Dinner is almost done."
"Who are you?" Merc repeated, still aiming the gun clumsly at the woman. Merc made it a point in her head to get War to teach her how to use the gun.
The woman set the soup upon the table. A cassarole was already on the table, the steam wafting into the air. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Keffria, Toxic's sister. Toxic sent me to help you take care of War while you're at work." She said kindly.
"Toxic did? Are we paying you?" Merc said, putting another mental note in her head to yell at the badly dressed minister of defense.
"Don't worry, Toxic is paying me for this." Keffria scooped up some of the cassarole and served it on the plates. "War, its time for dinner!" She called out.
War came out from his elevator. "Hey Merky-poo."
"Hi War." Merc said dejectedly.
"You met Keffy?" War said as he rolled into the dining room, sliding to his place at the table.
"Keffy?" Merc said with a bewlidered tone.
"Oh, he has a nickname for me." Keffria said.
"Uh huh." Mercury Hat said.
"We have a place for you at the table. Would you like dinner, or did you eat already?"
"Uh, I haven't had anything to eat. Bob forgot to order food to bring on the plane."
Keffria pointed to a place on the table. "Come and join us, then."
"Okay."
Chapter 12: Dinner Time
For the most part, the only things Bob and Cookie did together were breakfast and dinner. Cookie and Bob would wake up at the same time, and he would take a shower while she had the cook make breakfast. At night, Cookie would choose the dinner for Bob as he came home. But after the aptly named "Fiasco" the breakfast and dinner routine fell apart. For the first time in three months, Cookie and Bob ate together on a small square table in the kitchen.
Sincerely and Derenge ate with them, each one of their weapons were slung over their chairs. Sincerely had her holster with her twin pistols hanging from the chair, and Derenge had his P90 machine gun hanging from its strap.
"So..." Sincerely said. She looked over to Bob and Cookie, who ate their food with sullen looks. "How was everyone's day?"
"Had to visit some troops on the front lines." Bob said with a grumpy face. If his frown got any bigger, he would start to go emo at any moment.
"Met our new neighbors." Cookie said as her spoon circled round and round in her Clam Chowder soup.
"How are our new neighbors?" Dererenge asked after getting a kick from under the table by Sincerely.
"It's a little happy lesbian couple. They look so cute together." Cookie said with a smile. At least she was happy.
Bob burnt his tounge with his spoon, making him drop the spoon and clutch his tounge. Derenge jumped out of his seat to save the clumsy president.
Sincerely leaned over and whispered in Cookie's ear. "Go and help him!"
"Why?" Cookie responded.
"Because that's what you do for your husband!" Sincerely said.
Cookie got up, digging a piece of ice from her rum and coke and put it on her husband's tongue.
Bob first reeled back, but relaxed as his wife assisted him with his burnt tongue.
--
Maria prepared her own split-pea soup, putting it on the tray along with the
Michelle walked into the room. "Are you ready yet?"
"Almost. Putting the finishing touches on the food." Maria said.
"Hurry up, I think he's getting impatient." Michelle said.
Maria placed a small sprig of parsley next to the roast beef. "All done!"
Michelle opened the drawer and pulled out a small snub nosed revolver. "Let's go."
Maria carried the tray through the door to the basement, walking down the stairs to the dimly lit and cold basement. She set down the tray beside a door.
Michelle held the revolver in her hand, watching her partner as she opened the door.
Maria set the tray of food in front of their prisoner. "Enjoy." she said meekly.
"Hurry up!" Michelle said.
Maria looked down on the prisoner as he ate. She slowly backed out of the small cell and watched as Michelle closed the door.
"The parsley wasn't necessary." Michelle said.
"It was just a small touch."
"Something he won't appreciate." Michelle said as she locked the door.
Chapter 13: Back in your life
Nanda was happy at work, fixing up the latest illustration she was making for a women's magazine. Stinky was at work, and Elizabeth was at school, leaving Nanda home alone. It was that quiet, serene life she had been yearning for.
Unfortunately, that life would have to be put on hold, as the doorbell rang once again.
"Right now, getting a nice, big dog to scare away these people is becoming a bigger and bigger priority for me." Nanda said with gritted teeth. She opened the door to see her ex-husband Steve standing outside, alone.
"The dog idea just got better." Nanda said.
"What are you talking about?" Steve asked.
"Oh, just deciding between a rotwiler or a pug." Nanda said. She walked into the kitchen, leaving Steve to follow her and close the door behind him.
"Listen, Nanda, I need to talk to you." Steve said.
"Must be serious, considering that you didn't bring along that girlfriend of a slu-"
"I broke up with her, Nanda."
"Oh, good for you, Steve." Nanda said, pulling a banana off the counter and peeling it, eating it.
"I want you back in my life." Steve said.
Nanda started to laugh. She choked a bit on the banana, but chewed it up and swallowed it to laugh at him more. "You're serious?"
"Yes, Nanda. I don't want you to waste away your life with that boyfriend of yours."
"Uh-huh. Keep going." Nanda said, returning to eat her banana.
"Look, I want us to return to the lives we had. All three of us as a family."
"Do you even know whats going qon with your family?"
"What?" Steve said.
"Your daughter. You know what has happened to her recently?"
"Uh... she got good grades?"
"No, actually, she hasn't. Haven't you heard? She's gay." Nanda said sarcastically with a grin on her face. "You suddenly want to become a family again, and guess what, you have no clue what's going on with your own daughter! You really think I'm going to get back with your ignorant ass and live a happy go lucky life?" Nanda said, throwing her banana peel at her ex-husband.
The banana peel landed on Steve's face, sticking onto his face. "Nanda, I really need you."
"Oh trust me, for a while after the divorce, all I thought was that I needed you. I needed you to live my life, and you know, that feeling has passed. I don't need you. I'm an independent woman, and thus, I don't need your ass in my life."
"But what about the spousal support payments I give you?"
"Call it an added bonus." Nanda said with a grin. "Now if you would please leave my property before I call the soldiers patrolling on the street?"
Steve walked out of the house rejected. Nanda felt like a vampire, sucking out all the happy emotions out of Steve.
And goddamn, it felt good!
Chapter 14: Hospital visit
Cookie walked through the military hospital she had first met Pimpette. Toxic had arranged for Levi to be taken care of here, and Cookie came to visit him for the first time.
"What do you think he's going to say?" Cookie asked Sincerely.
Sincerely walked beside Cookie with her hands in her pockets. "Who knows. He could be angry at you for putting his life in danger. At the same time, he could be happy to still be alive."
Cookie cradled a bouquet of flowers in her arms. Behind the both of them, a couple of reporters watched them, expecting to see a PR stunt. "I'm hoping it could be the latter."
�Who knows. I talked to the guy shortly before I was assigned to you, and he seemed rather nonchalant about the thing." Sincerely said. "Then again, he was popped up on painkillers so much that he kept seeing that talk show host, Zwuh, in his room."
"Zwuh? He watches that show?"
"I guess. He was talking to Zwuh apparition too much to notice me on a constant basis. The doctors said he's on a lowered drip, so he'll be on the sane side."
"Was he ever on the sane side?"
"Not really, if he protected you." Sincerely said.
"What does that make you?"
"Utterly and completely insane." Sincerely replied. She opened the room to Levi's door for Cookie and closed it right behind her, closing out the reporters.
Levi was in the usual hospital smock, with two IV tubes sticking into his arms. His body looked tiny compared to the large bed, and he was typing something on a laptop. He gave a slight smile, then put away his laptop as soon as he saw the two women walk into the room.
"Hey Levi!" Cookie said in a high falsetto.
"Hello Ma'am." Levi said politely. He accepted the flowers from Cookie.
"How are you?" Cookie asked.
"I'm feeling rather woozy right now. The pain killers are helping, but other than that, I'm doing just fine. There's a scar on my chest and another scar on my back from the exit wound, but the doctors said I should pull through rather well."
"What exactly happened to you during the block party?" Sincerely asked.
Levi shifted in his seat, and sighed. "I was eating one of Ms. Tabi's cakes when the explosion happened, and I was startled. I saw the first ducks jumping over the fence of Merc's house and diving at me. I ducked, and used my pistol on two of them before I was shot. I remember gettting dragged on the street, just because it hurt like a motherfucker. Next thing I know, I'm doused in the blood of a duck when Mrs. Mayhem killed a duck above me."
"Wow. How's the care here?" Cookie asked.
"Sub-standard. Dr. Luprand barely makes his runs anymore."
"I'll get Bobby to fix that for you, Levi. Anything you need, just call me or Sincerely. We're here to help." Cookie said
Levi smiled weakly. "Thank you."
�Cookie, I�m sorry, but its time to go. Levi has some rehab classes coming up in ten minutes.�
�Don�t be a stranger, okay Levi?� Cookie said.
�Allright.� Levi said. He watched as the two women walked out of the room. He returned to typing on his laptop.
�Why did you kick me out so early, Sin?� Cookie said.
�He was lying.�
�And you kicked me out for that?�
�According to the case files, he never fired a single shot. Hell, that gun had all of its ammo stored inside. He was lying to you, and for what reasons, I don�t know.�
�Why?�
�I said, I don�t know.�
Cookie was escorted into an elevator. �Crap.�
Chapter 15: Mountain trek
Sparrow relaxed up against a cluster of rocks about 300 yards away from her unit. Senshi kept a lookout, cradling her assault rifle in her arms as she watched the mountainside.
"Oh man, wooziness." Sparrow said.
"You have nausea, captain?" Senshi asked.
"Yeah, my head is killing me, and I want to throw up badly." Sparrow said. She reached into her pouch and pulled out a bottle of tylenol (something most in the military refer to as "candy") and popped a couple into her mouth and swallowed them dry.
"Wonder what could that be." Senshi said, lifting one of her legs and sitting down her chin on her knee.
"What is that supposed to mean, Senshi?"
"Is it true you're married?" Senshi asked.
Sparrow nodded. "Yeah. Married with two children."
Senshi sighed. "I wish I could find someone."
"Hey now, you will. But what does that have to do with me feeling sick?"
"Oh come on, you're pregnant again. You're nauseated. Morning sickness has set in."
Sparrow choked up. "You have got to be kidding me."
"We could get Phact to call in a supply drop and deliver you a home pregnancy test." Senshi said, unloading her rifle, checking the ammo, and reloading it.
"Oh yes, break our cover just so I can piss on a stick and see if I'm cooking another half lion, half drow child in my uterus." Sparrow said sarcastically.
"You're married to a lion?" Senshi asked.
Sparrow blushed. "yeah..."
The radio suddenly started to crackle. "Sparrow, we've run into something!" JTigerclaw said.
Sparrow got up from her place, pulling out her SOCOM pistol from its holster and ran towards her unit, which had went ahead to scout. Senshi ran behind her, clicking her safety off on her AK.
Sparrow ran up the incline to a small ravine. She spotted her unit at the bottom of the ravine, pointing their guns at something at the bottom.
"GET OFF OF ME!" a voice yelled. It started to sound strangely familiar to Sparrow as she jumped down from rock to rock nimbly.
"What do we have here?" Sparrow asked. She saw Laemkral and AlmightyPyro holding down two people face down.
"We found these two civilians snooping around here." JTigerclaw said.
"Civilians? Way out here?"
"They claim to be ComicGenesis citizens." Pyro said. "And truthfully, I'm not buying it."
"Flip them over." Sparrow said. "JTigerclaw, Laem, go keep a lookout."
"Yes sir!" Laem and JTigerclaw said together, walking up to the top of the ravine.
Sparrow watched the two men flipping them over. "I know you two." She said. "Claude and...... " Sparrow couldn't remember the name of the other person.
"Faceless!" The other man yelled.
"You know these two?" Pyro said.
"Yes, one of them is dating on of my late friend's daughters." Sparrow said, helping Claude up.
"Dammit, that Laem guy whipped me with his gun." Claude said, rubbing his sore neck.
"You deserved it." Leam said with a shrug of his shoulders.
"What are you doing out here, Claude?"
"I came here for RA." Claude said. He dusted off the heavy jacket we had on.
"What?"
"Faceless found out that she was brought out here to a big place over there" Claude pointed towards the palace. "So I came here again looking for her."
Sparrow holstered her pistol, crossing her arms. "So you're telling him that you had to infiltrate enemy territory in order to find your girlfriend?"
"Uh huh."
"You're fucking insane." Sparrow said. She grabbed the mic to her radio and put it closer to her mouth. "Jops, Amis, come in."
"What's up, captain?" CorpAmis' voice came in through Sparrow's earpiece.
"What's the possibility of a helicopter pickup at the moment?"
"It's a no go, Sparrow. There's a SAM site nearby that prevents any possibility of a helicopter pickup. We also have a storm front coming in."
"Raise your altitude above the storm cover, and wait for my instructions."
"Yes ma'am. We won't provide you cover above the clouds." CorpAmis responded.
"I know. I just don't want to lose the support due to weather problems."
"Thanks for the concern. We'll wait for your call." CorpAmis responded.
"Allright." Sparrow pulled the mic away from her lips before pursing them at Claude and Faceless.
"Wut are you going to do about us, Mrs. Mayhem?"
"You're married?" Phactorri said with surprise.
"Yeah, I am. We're going to bring these two runts along with us." Sparrow said. "One wrong move, and chop off their balls."
"Ball chopping?" Senshi said with a pale face. "That's disgusting."
"Don't worry; I'll be the one to do it. Maybe I won't heal up the wound and let them bleed to death from where their dick used to be." Sparrow said sadistically. As if on command, Faceless threw up.
"Let's get moving. This ravine should hit a small forest before we have to start scaling the mountain." Sparrow started to walk down the ravine, followed by Pyro.
"Sparrow Mayhem?" Pyro asked.
"That's my name, boy, don't wear it out." Sparrow said.
"Oh, do I see tension?" Claude said.
"He's my ex." Sparrow said.
"Oh man, this is going to be fun."
"We're fucked." Sparrow muttered.
"You haven't seen the inside of a Keenspot truck stop. You'd be fucked if you saw one."
"You saw one, Claude?" Sparrow asked.
"Yeah. Had to stop over in Keenspot on the way over."
"Ouch."
