User:Toaster
From CGWiki
| Toaster | ||
|---|---|---|
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| Alias(s): | Sean Cairns, Hayyoth | |
| Comic: | The Adventures of Toasterboy | |
| Favorite Quote: | Not With That Additude! | |
| Birthday: | 06/21/05 | |
| Weapon Of Choice: | My Fists and Brain... oh... Photoshop | |
| Current residence: | Harper 511, Bradley University | |
| Website: | The Adventures of Toasterboy | |
| Email: | seancairns04@yahoo.com | |
Contents |
What He Would Like You To Think
The First Millenium
The epic that is the life of Toaster began on June 21st, 5AD. Toaster was born with an incredibly rare genome which caused his body to age at an incredibly slow pace: for every 1000 years he lived, his body would age roughly one year. Luckily, this phenomenon didn�t surface until well into his 17th year on earth, or he would have had a very rough childhood, stuck in an infant�s body for 1000 years. Some time around his 18th birthday, Toaster�s village was visited by a man named Jesus from Nazareth. When Toaster heard of this man�s great deeds, he rushed to the streets to greet him and became one of his followers. Or as to say in today�s language �Toaster and Jesus were homies�. Realizing by the age of 27 that his body was not aging correctly, Toaster was forced to leave his village by the townsfolk, for they feared that he had sold his soul to the devil in exchange for immortality. Toaster spent the next 768 years working and traveling through Asia and acquiring a vast knowledge of the sciences of the area. Finally, in 799, Toaster made his way back towards the Holy Roman Empire. There, on Christmas Eve of 800AD, Toaster successfully assassinated Charlemagne and was crowned in his place, after using his significant scientific knowledge to create a life-like shell bearing a striking resemblance to Charlemagne that he could wear not unlike a suit of armor. In January of 814, Louis, Charlemagne�s legitimate son, discovered Toaster�s deception, and Toaster was forced to crown Louis Emperor and fake his own death.
Laying Low
At this point, Toaster disappears from the public eye for a very long time, during which he is believed to have headed back East for a time, and then slowly made his way through Europe, helping to reignite the torch of learning that was all but snuffed out during the Dark Age. He worked mostly in monasteries, helping faithful monks to copy ancient texts that they might not be lost to the ravages of time. Making one last trip to the East to gather new technologies, Toaster made a semi-permanent move Europe and began to mass political and financial power under the name �Keane�.
First Crusade
Toaster re-appeared in prominence in 1095, arguing strongly against the majority of the Council of Clermont and Pope Urban II, believing that a crusade would only cause further problems. How Toaster managed to even be present at this monumental occasion is a testament to his intelligence and power. Unfortunately his pleas were not heard, and the Roman Catholic Church was plunged into a series of holy wars. Not one to be left out of such an adventure, Toaster gathered a large group of men from parts unknown and made several staggering victories in the rush towards Jerusalem. After this First Crusade, Toaster reorganized his men into the Paupers Commilitones Christi Templique Solomonici, popularly known as the Knights Templar. However, soon after the formation of this elite group, Toaster once more disappeared for a great stretch of history.
Altering History
Resurfacing again in 1452 (although not in not nearly as obvious a way as during the First Crusade), Toaster met a German man by the name of Johann Gutenberg, who was struggling to develop a way to reproduce printed material quickly. Remembering back to an invention he had seen in 1041 in China, Toaster introduced Gutenberg to the Movable Type, a process Toaster had learned from inventor Bi Sheng. It is strongly believed that Toaster knew full well that the introduction of the printing press would cause a great surge in learning, which led directly to the Renaissance. It is also believed that Toaster�s only motive was his own boredom with life, and he had discovered that, as such a long-lived person, he had the ability to alter history through his actions� something very few people in history had ever had the opportunity to do. And Toaster intended to use this power to its fullest extent.
Various Sightings (Through 1700)
Toaster disappeared once again into the shadows of history, appearing here and there, seemingly randomly across Europe, appearing in 1517, aiding Luther in writing his 95 Theses, in 1519, arguing in Ferdinand Magellan�s favor for funding to circumnavigate the world, in 1524, helping to incite the Peasant�s War in Germany, openly criticizes Henry VIII�s decision to create the Church of England in 1534 (and is almost executed), is reported to have been present at the first performance of Twelfth Night in 1602, in 1629, Toaster warns the people of England about Charles I, but his warnings fall on deaf ears; the Eleven Years of Tyranny begin. Also, in 1653, was reported to have been seen receiving a grand tour of the recently completed Taj Mahal by none other than Shah Jahan!
The New World
By 1770, Toaster had made his way to the New World. He made his way to Boston and sought out Thomas Paine to commend him for his writing in Common Sense, which was released on January 10, 1776. Paine introduced Toaster to several prominent men, including John Adams and Benjamin Franklin, who invited him to join the �Committee of Five� and draft a declaration to declare America�s independence from England, but Toaster refused. However, he did attend several Continental Congress meetings and spoke at several of them, reassuring the attendees of America�s sure success. Investing a huge portion of his personal fortunes towards funding the war, Toaster met up with George Washington on July 6th of that year and spent the next several months aiding Washington with strategic planning. Once the war was over in 1783, it is reported that Toaster initially suggested Washington, knowing full well the intelligence of the man, and that he would set an excellent precedence to all future leaders of this newly formed nation.
Back in Europe
In 1795, Toaster was back in Europe, this time at the side of (and towering over) one Napoleon Bonaparte. The following year, during Napoleon�s Italian campaign, Toaster divulged to Napoleon the whole of his military knowledge (which was quite extreme by this point, having probably witnessed thousands of wars, from one end of the globe to the other), but also warned Napoleon not to push too hard: if he wanted to himself France, he must bide his time. It is also rumored that Toaster was the first to refer to him as le petit caporal (the �Little Corporal�), reflecting not only his stature, but also his camaraderie with his own men. In 1799, when Napoleon made his bid for power, Toaster threw his lot in with him, but warned Napoleon once more, this time saying that he should not allow relations with Russia to deteriorate, and that he should never attempt an invasion of Russia under any circumstances. Unfortunately, Napoleon ignored the words of his friend and invaded in June of 1812. Toaster quickly and completely withdrew his support for Napoleon and left him to his fate.
Rasputin
In 1905, Toaster made a very brief appearance in Russia, warning the Tsar that the man known as �Grigori Rasputin� was not who he claimed to be, and that he should not be trusted, despite any apparent miracles he may perform. Alas, the Tsar and Tsarina were already under Rasputin�s charismatic spell, and Toaster was banished from Russia! Toaster, however, kept close tabs on Rasputin. According to Toaster, sometime in 1917 (a year after Rasputin�s assassination), the man appeared at his house, claiming to know all about Toaster�s historical influence, and threatening to expose him to the world lest Toaster allow Rasputin to drink some of his blood (probably in the hopes of gaining the apparent immortality that Toaster enjoyed). He responded by beheading Rasputin, ending the man�s life once and for all. According to Toaster, he still has his skull in one of his vaults in Sweden.
Disaster on the Sea
Making one of his frequent trips between Europe and the New World, Toaster purchased a first class ticket aboard the White Star Line�s newest ship, the Titanic, and was a passenger on her maiden voyage in 1912. He was, luckily, one of the passengers who survived the trip and made his way back to America on another ship. Toaster once joked after seeing the movie version of Titanic, that if he had ever met Rose after she was rescued, that he would have �slapped the bitch for letting go!�.
--The rest of this biography coming soon!--
The Truth
The artist know as "Toaster" is really Bradley University's Mathematics and Secondary Education major Sean Cairns. He often is found hiding in his dorm room, as he doesnt drink or do drugs like everybody else on his campus, leading him to be a sort of shut-in, along with all his friends who live on his floor (they're more of the video-game sort, anyway).
email him at: seancairns04@yahoo.com OR ELSE
